I know many are wondering what insights could a virgin offer on the topic of sex? I’ve learned a lot over the years. Probably one of the greatest lessons I’ve learned is that sex is a beautiful gift from God to mankind. It is meant to further express our love and exclusive commitment to our spouse. It’s a shame that the majority of us have only experienced a counterfeit version of the real thing. Our relationships are all too often one-sided. We fail to realize that the true love we seek is a package deal, it’s multi-dimensional. Singling out one item in the package (sex) will not provide you the full experience. How do I know, you ask? Well just because I have never had sex doesn’t mean I don’t know anything about relationships. One of my favorite authors, Tim Keller, says it best, “until now there has never been a culture in the history of the world that put so much emphasis and so much hope in sex for happiness.” Living in an increasingly sexualized society makes it impossible not to encounter some display or dialog about it. I regretfully admit that I too have gotten myself into a few compromising situations. Like you, I was curious and I attempted to see how far I could go without getting burned. My conclusion: the stove is still hot no matter how skillfully I tried to touch it. Each time I tested the waters of intimacy I walked away feeling empty because I had to give so much in order to get so little in return. My approach was all wrong. I was operating off of faulty information that promoted selfish motivations. Our culture has a way of bombarding us with certain messages and images until, if you’re not careful, you’ll begin to accept it as the truth. Our media pumps the same ideas into our world daily; celebrity couple breaks up, this celebrity was caught in an affair with that celebrity, who has the hottest body in Hollywood, chart topping songs have a great beat but the lyrics are sexually explicit. From billboards to commercials you can’t get away from it. I remember when I decided that I was fed up with being force fed a reality that wasn’t mine. A reality that said everyone was having sex and no one was looking for an exclusive relationship that would result in marriage. The casual game of relationship catch, tossing our hearts from one person to the next, was taking a devastating toll on the mental and emotional health of friends and I. My conclusion: this could not possibly be what God intended. After all love and intimacy are his idea. But at that time most of my information about love and sex was acquired through my peers, music and media.
I was a sophomore before I experienced my first kiss.
I kissed another guy my junior year in college and this time I felt the relationship was much more serious. I’m going to share some details about this experience because sometimes a heartbreak comes disguised as your favorite thing; harmless, fun but in the end leaves you shattered. Cody (name changed of course, I’m not petty like that) was my kind of perfect. He was tall (like my Dad) and shared my love of music. He made me laugh. He wasn’t pushy but playful and could carry on an intelligent conversation. Those were all traits on my list of things I wanted in a guy so I was open to see where this would go. If my memory serves me right, our first date consisted of riding around in his car talking, picking up something to eat, going to his apartment, talking until after midnight and finally him falling asleep in my lap. I finally woke him up so that I could go to the bathroom and when I came back, he gave me a blanket and I slept on the couch and he went to his room. He dropped me off on campus early the next morning. That was it. A few months later, I called home bawling when I finally admitted to myself how much I liked him. My Dad tried to calm me down. In between sobs I managed to explain that I had never felt like this before about a guy and I was afraid of all of these new feelings and of what I might do. I was thinking about him all the time, waiting for his calls. The excitement of being wanted by a guy had my emotions in a fit. I felt happier and prettier when he was around. I also felt sad and grumpy when he wasn’t. Dad tried to assure me that what I felt was normal, reminding me that I was a “good girl” and he knew I would do the right thing. “Just don’t let him talk you out of anything you don’t want to give him,” he said which was his way of telling me “don’t have sex.”
In my research many of the writers on this topic agree that a sexual encounter is one of the most vulnerable moments a person can experience. All of the guards are let down, all barriers are removed. Now imagine this, there you are with someone that you are unsure if they will even call you the following day, unsure if they really care for you, no commitments have been made, no real connection has been established. You have sex, sharing everything from breaths to body fluids and for what? A physical release? Is that all there is to it? Our culture would have you believe that it is. But we know that there is much more to it than that. For humans, we are relational beings and a physical release will only suffice for a moment. Then we are compelled to continue seeking out something more permanent and satisfying; a connection that goes deeper than a moment of pleasure. But the answer to our problem is not more sex with different partners. The answer is that missing element of unconditional love and acceptance. We are on a constant search for sacrifice and commitment whether we realize it or not. We crave it, we long for it, and we were created for it. God is not against sex. He just wants you to experience the real thing and stop cheating yourself by accepting a counterfeit. God loves sex! He even went as far as to make it a command that husband and wife are to “be fruitful and multiply,” (Genesis 2nd chapter). But just as I pointed out earlier, when you attempt to use something outside of its proper purpose damage will occur, thus our epidemic of teen pregnancy, abortions, the spread of HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases, not to mention broken hearts, crushed esteem, anger, depression and suicidal tendencies that plague your generation. These are the results of impatience, selfishness and lack of self-control and lack of love for oneself. This is where accepting the counterfeit will lead you to. There is a better way. It isn’t always the most popular way but in the end the reward is great. But it’s your choice. Just like I made my choice years ago, even with the failures I experienced trying to appease my selfish desires, God has helped me to keep my vow to myself and to him. He’ll help you do the same if you choose to see things His way instead of the way friends, pop culture or social media portray it. He’ll teach you what real love looks like so that you are no longer tricked by phony offers made by those who don’t value you. The way I see it, since God is so concerned about my well being, I have nothing to lose by doing things his way. I may be misunderstood and even talked about occasionally but having my heart in one piece is worth it. Seeing the look on my future spouse’s face when he finds out that I waited for him is worth it. Honoring God is worth it.
Excerpt from the book V.I.R.G.I.N by LaWanna R. Wilson